I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
