I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
