apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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