omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
