im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize