I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
