apparently the secret to your success is patron
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
