it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
