youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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