I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
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