Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
