OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
