I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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