I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
