Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
