i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
