I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
