why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
