a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need to sanitize my soul.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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