We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
