I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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