I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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