How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize