he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Come on in and take your pants off
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