Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
