Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
