YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
