The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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