oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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