What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
