she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
