We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
