When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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