I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
