she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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