I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize