my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
