I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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