had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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