Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
