he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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