Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
