Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
