im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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