Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
