I wish life had little blips of pornography
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
