bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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