I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
