She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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