You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
