Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
