i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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