People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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