I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
