Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
