They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize