I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
