He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
