I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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