I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's official drugs can't kill me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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