He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
