wrigley field is MILF paradise
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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