PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
