thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
