Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
