WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
