it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize