Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize