It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
