You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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