i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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