Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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