Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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