why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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